Or the Fine Art of Non-communicating
Recently came across a book review in which the reviewer, a decidedly obnoxious but prominent critic, dismissed a British novel because it was riddled with “Britspeak”.
Excuse me, but there seems to be something most definitely wrong here. I deduce that Britspeak is the use of distinctly British idioms, in this case serious inhibiting the reviewer’s comprehension, but still… what wrong with that?
I truly believe there is something a little more sinister involved than an implied incentive for “downdumbing” language. Qualifying as “Britspeak” something written in plain, albeit colloquial English is pernicious at best, alarming at least and jingoistic at worst.
It exemplifies the “us and them” approach. Resentment is implied. “If I can’t understand what you’re saying, it’s your fault, not mine. If you can’t talk good old plain English then you shouldn’t be talking.” When you draw the line between your own idiom and others of the same tongue, what does that say about where do you place foreign languages?
“Britspeak”, indeed.
I love books I have trouble understanding. They make the world bigger.
Just read a fantastic book by Jeff Torrington, which is in Glaswegian so thick that the book should be divided into pints, not chapters.
“Riddley Walker” by Russell Hoban, my choice for the book to be marooned with, isn’t even really in English.
I cling to my Canadianisms with a will, I cultivate my accent like some constant gardener. I can even say “eh” in either Canuck or Kiwi.
New words are like new acquaintances. Later they become familiar friends. It is ludicrous and ill-mannered to snub them out of laziness, ignorance or arrogance.
A pox on the bowdlerizers of this world, may they ever swill the acrid ullage of their stale wee kegs of watered-down words.
What did the reviewer actually say about the book? I can’t recall. It was all in Yankspeak anyway.
Homework:
Read Mother Tongue and Made in America by Bill Bryson out loud backwards.
Take an omnibus. Get off at the last glottal stop.
Re-enact the great vowel shift with your friends and neighbours.
GARDEN GANDALF
I finally had that little light bulb shining over my head like in cartoons. Eureka! Garden Gandalfs! (Or Gandalves, depending on your etymological allegiance.) No more of these creepy passé garden gnomes. (By the way, the population of garden gnomes in Switzerland is estimated at 2 million. That’s practically one-third of the human population! What will happen if they suddenly revolt? Is no one aware of the danger? Well, come to think of it, a nation that has that many garden gnomes is either seriously committed to gardening or already has seriocomic sociological problems. No statistics exist to determine the percentage of garden gnomes of foreign origins.)
Much more appealing than a rotund wee madman brandishing a spade, or showing his bum (distressingly popular amongst gnomist cognoscenti): a Garden Gandalf! Adds a mythical dimension to even the most placid of plots. Don’t waste any more white paint on those tractor tire flower beds! Get a Garden Gandalf the White! The Bird Bath Balrog (coming soon!) will make your neighbours grey-green with envy! (He glows in the dark thanks to photocells in his wings. His eyes lite up too.) The automated Garden Gollum will keep birds away from your fruit trees! For the patio: the miniature Falls of Rauros (elven boat and water-resistant Boromir included) will add a touch of drama to any interior. Lawn Hobbits are available in a wide range of sizes and colours!
Anyway, just so you can see for yourselves…
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I have just realized that I may never be stuck to draw Gandalf again – as long as he’s in the same position, that is.
GETTING AROUND
I’ll be in Zurich on the 29th of this month, at the Manor department store on Banhofstrasse, signing my life away. There will also be some kind of a contest with local radio stations to win a few sketches, for which I imagine a certain mastery of Swiss German may be necessary. More info, times, all that sort of thing, later.
SHIPPING (DIS)ORDER
Buying things by mail order is an enchantment. Usually, given that they take so long to arrive, I have completely forgotten I ordered them in the first place. Imagine my surprise and delight undimmed for a couple of seconds before I actually recalled ordering a copy of PEAKE’S PROGRESS about eight weeks ago from a wee bookshop in Des Moines or was it Tumbuktu. (The last time I saw a copy was in New York in the ‘80’s, so strapped for cash I opted for a few sandwiches instead of the book…)
Speaking of books, the two tomes I requested by interlibrary loan over two weeks ago from Lausanne are have not yet arrived. Of course it’s admittedly all of 50 miles away, but still… Culture in Switzerland seems to move at walking speed at best. At this rate, the job I need them for will be done before I get them.
I even tried to borrow the books for an hour to do colour photocopies of the pictures I need, but even that is not possible. Next time I will shift my studio INTO the university library and work there, and see how well that goes down…
ON SITE
Not content to rest on our laurels Dom and I have been working away. Myth & Magic has been updated, with EVERY picture listed and a link provided.
Right now, I am slowly working my way through Sur les Terres de Tolkien.
HARD BITS AND SHARP BITS
For anyone wanting a close-up look at the weapons and armour from the Lord of the Rings movies, short of breaking into a warehouse in Wellington, you might want to check out “THE LORD OF THE RINGS – WEAPONS AND WARFARE” by Chris Smith. I’m only writing this ‘cause I got sent a signed copy. No I’m not, Chris included a cheque for 20 quid. That’s not true either. It’s actually a lot of fun to read, and it’s rather a relief that the film props actually don’t look that bad, considering they were never intended to be displayed in still photos. The book is packed with imagery, front and back views of nearly every weapon and scrap of armour.
Hardback or paperback.
Can I have my signed copy now?
(Even if it is in Britspeak.)
