Or Where I Make New Friends and Influence People…
There are disadvantages to being registered with the local chamber of commerce as a “graphic studio”. (This, by the way, was the closest acceptable definition that could be found to put in the registration, thus I am a graphic studio with one employee… me.)
Usually the result is salespeople trying to give me a good deal on 1,000,000 sheets of quality photocopy paper or sell me boxes of 150 cartridges for my printer, but the other day when the phone rang…
“Urfghrp.” I said. (This is actually a great substitute for the run-of-the-mill “hello”, as, depending who’s on the line, it can mean many things:
“Of course I sound deathly ill, so that picture is gonna be late.” (My agent.)
“Of course I sound deathly ill, that’s why I forgot the appointment.” (Clients I’m trying to avoid.)
“Of course you got me up, what time do you think it is.” (Friends and family.)
Notwithstanding, a cheerful encyclopedia saleman’s voice asked to speak to the director.
“Hold on a second,” I said, “I’ll see if he’s in yet.” and put the phone down and went and got some coffee.
When I got back, he was still on the line. Damn.
“Mr. Howe, Mr. John Howe?”
“Speaking.” I replied.
“Sir, I represent a firm dealing in optimizing business success the world over.”
“-.”
“Excuse me sir there seems to be a problem with the line.”
“Urfghrp?” I replied.
“Uh, do you speak English?”
“Urfghrp!”
“Well sir, I represent a wide palette of clients the world over who are seeking to acquire small businesses in expanding sectors of the economy and several of those clients are interested in investing in your enterprise.”
This guy is phoning from another planet, I thought. Should I tell him I’m actually a superhero at night and this mild-mannered illustrator stuff is just a front? Nah, he’d never believe me, besides this is too good to be true, let’s see if it’ll last as long as my coffee.
I learned that I am part of “an exciting dynamic graphics industry with possibilities for international expansion” (so-o cool, thought I, I’ve never felt so expansive) that “being part of a large group would not only reinforce my local contacts” (the local bakery perhaps? the place I buy the newspaper? the pet shop for the fish food?) but “establish a network of international contacts” and that “This could be a rare opportunity for you sir.”
At this point I started choking on my coffee and just managed to say thanks-very-much-I’ll-think-about-it-and-call-you-back and hung up.
Life’s like that.
A series of missed opportunities.
MAKING FRIENDS
eBay is the perfect place to make new acquaintances. Here’s a recent exchange between myself and the seller of some prints of my work of dubious origin in the US. It started with a Question for the seller. (I swear I did NOT make this up, just changed her name to X.)
JH:
Hi,
Can I ask you where the prints are from, as well as the formats?
Thank you,
J
X:
Hello,
I have reviewed your feedback and kindly request that you do not bid
on this item.
Thank you
JH:
That’s fine, but you’ve not really answered my question.
You leave me with no choice by to report the sale of unauthorized images
to eBay.
You may remove them now, or have them removed.
Thanks.
J
X:
In addition to being french, you are an impostor and a fraud.
Further emails from you will be considered harassment and reported to the authorities in your socialist country as well as ebay….
Just surrender…it’s what you’re good at….
JH:
Dear X,
Please check out [url=http://www.john-howe.com]http://www.john-howe.com[/url]
I live in Switzerland, and have for some years.
I am Canadian, speak French as my second language, am not an impostor and certainly not a fraud.
I am, on the other hand, rather surprised by your reaction.
I don’t recognize the prints you have for sale, hence my enquiry and my doubts about their authenticity.
I would appreciate it if you would indicate the formats, and where they might be from.
Sincerely,
John
Curiously, I’m still awaiting a reply. What a shame, just when we were getting to know each other…
HOBBLED
While it’s all very nice being chatted up by a businessman from another planet or making new friends on eBay, I did have more pressing matters on hand, notably the infamous pastiche of my Robin Hobb cover.
First step, contact the editor. This will be a cinch, think I, undoubtedly a respectable Parisian editor like that will have a web site. True, but no telephone. Nor does their “contact us” interface function, the send box is inexplicably inert. (Well, they have no phones, so it stands to reason, non?)
Naturally I am determined to get to the bottom of this, I did blow 38 francs (trade paperbacks in this part of the world cost a fortune) on my incriminating evidence, so I want my money’s worth.
Next step: international directories. I get a number, but the editorial group is huge, so it takes a few calls to find the appropriate people. After the laborious process of explaining, I am finally put on the line to a pleasant enough gentleman who replies: “We received that cover from the English editor.” I explain that I do not think so, jot down an e-mail address, and post the cover.
I get a phone call in return, but not a great deal of satisfaction. Indeed the cover was copied, (“Your name wasn’t on the paperback we had.” What kind of sense does THAT make?) no it’s not standard procedure, yes we were wrong to do so and we won’t do it again.
Great.
That’s a relief.
Undoubtedly someone else will though…
I think I’ll give their phone number to that entrepreneur from Mars.
Or maybe to that eBay seller. She’ll make them surrender.
BLA-BLA
You just can’t shut some illustrators up, and I’m no exception.
Artists and Illustrators is a monthly magazine published in Britain and sold in the UK and the US.
There’s a few pages on the film work in their June issue. (I can’t for the life of me remember doing this interview, but I got a copy yesterday.)
And, you even get a FREE sample sheet of watercolour paper with the magazine, so you win whatever happens.
No, let me do that again. BUY the magazine. It’s an excellent magazine. Buy several. It’s a GREAT interview. Send ME the watercolour paper.
A&I also have a web site. (Tell’em I sent you, maybe they’ll send me some paper.)
THE RETURN OF THE KING
More information on the signature session here at the Warner homepage.
