Or: Adventures In The Aisles of Plenty
Most people make their personal connections to the universe in the hinterlands of the sublime – the far plutonian shore, the precipitous precipice, the wind-swept wilderness, in those blessèd realms where you can feel small without feeling put down (being made to feel insignificant by a waterfall is NOT the same as being made to feel insignificant by a waiter…). Well, I’m no exception.
I recently had mine… at Costco.
It’s not that I wanted to buy anything, but I’d never set foot in a Costco, and determined to fill this gap in my biography, I bravely set off to set this right.
(You’ll have to bear with me, I’m somewhat of a misfit. North America is my cultural birthplace but I’ve lived in Europe for the second half of my life. Thus, both America and Europe enchant and dismay me on a permanent basis. The unexpected dons the garb of familiarity and the double-take is my lot in life.)
The shopping carts are amazing, they are the size of boxcars or 18-wheelers (certainly calculated to equal in width the hips of those who wield them). And they reach the checkout crammed and overflowing, jostling like bumblebees at the entrance to a hive.
The total lack of product hierarchy was astonishing. You could fill your cart and your fancy with crystal goblets or 3 months worth of tacos with the same nonchalance and ease. Books or vegetables, diamond watches or frozen peas, all one and the same. An Earthly Paradise of Calories, the Home Appliance Avalon. All stops pulled, any inhibitions gone, full consumer empowerment. (Why is it that the verb “to consume” has such negative connotations – fire consumes, locusts consume – except when applied to serious retail therapy?)
Then suddenly it struck me – I had blundered through the proverbial haystack straight into the fabled land of Cockayne! Honey in fountains (well, gallon jars) cornucopii of luscious fruits (okay, 20-lb bags.) avalanches of sweetmeats and baubles, attended to by busy devotees with ample paunches, intent on reducing irreductible piles of earthly provender which magically restore themselves during the night. It felt like something that would have certainly appealed to Breughel.
About the same instant I was also struck, though rather less figuratively, in the back of the knees by a barge-like caddy, admonished to watch where I was going (true enough, I may have been arrested and immoblie in the centre of an aisle, I was on a serious flight of fancy), so I came to and went.
Did I buy anything? Of course not. EVERYONE knows that when you stumble into the land of faërie, it’s wise not to sample the local produce.
Ethics:
Very recently I came across a site selling t-shirts with my pictures on them. Gee, I thought, I’ve always wanted t-shirts with my pictures on them, I must take a look at this. Turns out to be some brave anti-establisment Robin Hood who had decided to throw off the yoke of commercial exploitation. A “humble attempt at breaking the chains of corporate imprisonment”, working under the following premise: “All art is public domain”. Steal from the rich and sell t-shirts to the poor. I am always amazed how ethical convictions and a quick buck seem to make such happy marriages. Don’t Let Big Business Exploit People, Rip Them Off Yourself.
Naturally I wrote to ask for an explanation and my images were removed.
Alas, I’ve once again made a fundamental error – I should’ve ordered some t-shirts first.
On the other hand, some enterprising soul on eBay has ceramic tiles with Gandalf the Grey (“by Tolkien”, no less) for sale. (“You may have this artwork imprinted on T-shirts, Ceramics, Placemats, Aprons, Mugs, Tote Bags and many more items….”) This is my chance to have the downstairs bathroom re-done! And I’m sure I’ll look particularly fetching on the bus with my Gandalf t-shirt and my Gandalf tote bag (especially if I’ve forgotten in my haste to remove the Gandalf apron).
Very annoying. And I haven’t even been sent a complimentary mug.
More Silliness*:
Recently purchased a kneadable eraser, which is a great way to occupy your hands while searching for an idea. But, as it assumes all manner of shapes, I am repeatedly searching for the appealing earthworm I fashioned yesterday only to find I’ve overlooked the same eraser, which is now a pretty decent mushroom or a giant thumbtack…
*as if the Costco episode wasn’t enough…
Christmas again:
Received a truckload of swords today. I’ve not only been there, done that, got the t-shirts, but now I’ve got pretty much the full set of Lord of the Rings replica swords. Enough to seriously decorate a wall and make Damocles’ dining room look very tame…
I’ve agreed to sign the certificates for the United Cutlery edition of Anduril, so it’s time to go clean that attic to make more space.
Next time:
I have a REAL surprise. Watch this space.
See you!
